How I Found My SELF in a Diner Booth, and Changed the Course of My Life
What do you want your life to look like one year from now?
Do your choices today reflect that vision?
Back in 2006, sitting in a booth at Denny’s, I asked myself these very questions. I had just left the infertility clinic after having another sperm insemination. I lost count of the number of months I had been taking my temperature, getting hormone shots, collecting my husband’s semen and trying to get pregnant via a clinical procedure.
Sitting across from my husband, staring at my bacon and eggs, I asked myself for the first time, “What do you really want?”
I gave myself permission to explore what I was doing and why. My immediate future did not look appealing. I found myself in some kind of “groundhog day” scenario, repeating month after month of inseminations. And what if that didn’t work? What lengths was I willing to go to and to what end?
Here’s the controversial truth. Women are conditioned to achieve the goals of others. We are taught to be supportive of our husband’s careers. We are guilted into fulfilling the dreams of our parents. We spend our days working toward the boss’s objectives. When we have children, we begin planning their futures and strive to bring them to life. How much time and energy is spent developing our own goals and achieving our own dreams?
Sitting in Denny’s I took the time to begin picturing how I wanted my life to look. What are my priorities? What are my dreams? What kind of future do I want to create for myself?
I wanted a strong, loving marriage. I wanted a career where I made a difference. I wanted to travel around the world. I wanted a comfortable financial position. I wanted a lot of things, but I realized that a baby was not at the top. Being a mother wasn’t even in the top 5. Whoa. What a wake-up call.
“I think I am done.”
My husband knew what I meant. This epiphany in Denny’s was just the beginning of the process to determine who I was and what I wanted. It required a lot of communication with my husband and a lot of introspection with myself. Luckily, my husband and I were on the same page.
The first thing I thought of was my mother. I would not give her grandchildren. I had to accept that I would be a disappointment. I would not be manifesting one of her dreams for me.
The second thing I thought of was society. How would I explain not wanting to have children? It’s one of the first questions people ask when you meet. How would I answer? Would I look selfish? Would people think I was arrogant and self-absorbed to decide not to have a family? What is my value if I don’t fulfill this role?
Ultimately, the only opinion that matters is my own. But that is so hard to remember when every message you have received from birth is that you are supposed to get pregnant and be a mom.
Fighting conditioning, fighting the status-quo is hard. Habits and beliefs are engraved on our minds from birth. The tethers are strong, but they can be broken. You can develop new habits and form new beliefs.
Today I have a strong, loving marriage. I am doing work that makes a difference in the lives of the women I serve. I have traveled to some amazing places. I have a comfortable financial position. I have the peace of mind knowing I made the right decision for me to not have children. I have created a life I love and continue the process to create a future I desire.
If you master your own mind, you can transform your life.
I encourage you to put your goals first. You must do this for yourself. No one else will do it for you.
What do you want your life to look like one year from now?
Do your choices today reflect that vision?
What will you do to make that vision a reality?
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Hey there, I’m a confidence coach helping stressed-out people pleasers clarify personal priorities, create healthy boundaries, and say NO with confidence. If you like this, you can grab my most popular free resource, The People Pleaser’s Toolkit, and read more helpful posts at: www.naomiyaw.com
